justice_is_blond: ([ooc] SAVE THE KITTENS)
Anders ([personal profile] justice_is_blond) wrote2016-01-15 11:45 am
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Inbox for Fade Rift

[Please leave a message after the beep that doesn't actually exist.]
indissection: (239)

[personal profile] indissection 2018-12-27 10:32 pm (UTC)(link)
[ There's a distinct edge of discomfort and uncertainty about her as she glances away. ]

I... It is not out of the realm of possibility.

[ But her cheeks are a vibrant red and she seems most displeased. ]

There is shame where I am from. If my mother had any thoughts that I might not settle and wed as she wished from me...
indissection: (012)

[personal profile] indissection 2018-12-27 10:55 pm (UTC)(link)
Yes.

[ She takes the water, holding it on her lap. It shakes, a little, but she clearly focuses much of her energy on calming herself. ]

I have expected a political arrangement since I was five years old. I know my place in society and that is half the reason I am here; to earn respite from it. I cannot run forever.
indissection: (177)

[personal profile] indissection 2018-12-27 11:22 pm (UTC)(link)
Because that is my life.

[ Sidony doesn't necessarily look upset by it - this is all she has ever known, after all. ]

Nevarra is in a state of very precarious political control. Every single family is doing what they can to gain more influence, more power, and to have a handsome enough daughter to wed to someone who might give your family the money they need to be more important? That is not something to throw away. There is no such thing as love when it comes to games like these, Anders.

[ Settling back in her chair, she frowns. ]

Whatever I might think the view my mother and father have will be much different. If I married for love I think I should be disowned, and while that might sound wonderful and novel it would mean being unable to return to anything I knew and loved. Nevarra would be closed off to me entirely. I am pushing the boundaries of their affection enough by coming here without their knowledge nor consent.

[ Her fingers twitch around her water, eyes closing and lips set. ]

If I dared to engage with a woman, to profess my love to someone who could not bed and breed me? It would be intolerable. The idea of it fills me with shame. I... [ A breath. ] I was not taught to accept such things. To allow it. I do not think I would be able to survive it without loathing myself after.
indissection: (241)

[personal profile] indissection 2018-12-27 11:42 pm (UTC)(link)
[ She appears nothing more than miserable. ]

There is. There is when it is your purpose to bear children.

[ The gentleness makes her feel worse, the facts of her world - that she is there for marriage, for children, for that future and little else making her sour and frustrated, unsure why she came in the first place - leaving her unsettled. ]

It does not matter what I want or what I wish. I will be married and when I am I will have a husband who will have his children in me and there will be no room for much else. [ No dissections, no surgery, nothing. ] He shall have whatever mistress he shall like and I will have his children. I... [ A breath, shaken. ] My life has been destined for waste since I was eleven. Whatever desires I had ever sought had been taken from me. I am not foolish enough to imagine that the most base of them would be fulfilled.
indissection: (045)

[personal profile] indissection 2018-12-28 12:21 am (UTC)(link)
Do I need love?

[ There is one thing she had wanted that she would never have and all her other dreams seem like nothing in comparison. Who needs love? Such a silly thing to dream after, the topic of poems and stories the other ladies loved. Sidony wanted her future, but she’d not get to keep it. ]

I - I am not sure what you imagine me to be, Anders, but I am not a creature of love nor lust. I will not be beholden to such things no matter how grand they might appear to be. Love will not guide me or cure me. It cannot. [ A soft, sad sound slips from her mouth. ] I... I will not be seen so kindly - no. I am... [ Not undesirable, but... ] It is not what I was made for.
indissection: (177)

[personal profile] indissection 2018-12-28 12:36 pm (UTC)(link)
Then I am bound. It is a matter of honour.

[ Her voice is the smallest it has been now. ]

Do not mistake my acceptance for resignation. Do not think that all that I do is - is because it is more comfortable. I am here because I wish to study and learn, because my desire to do what my mother and the Chantry dictate is wrong outweighs everything else. I burn with it. I want to know the human body, to learn the pains and aches, to understand the depths of it and the hurts, but I also know that it is my honour as a Venaras to do as my family bids.

[ She lifts her hand and touches her chest. ]

I cannot picture myself dishonoured. I cannot imagine losing my mother and father and brother, as distant as I am from them. I cannot imagine myself labelled with... The brush of damnation for something that might be as simple as childish excitement. [ And it seems she is well practiced with talking herself out of her feelings towards women, no matter who she is speaking to. ] My pretty cage is as important to me as your freedom.
indissection: (115)

[personal profile] indissection 2018-12-29 12:41 am (UTC)(link)
I do not intend to stop my work as a surgeon for many, many years. I doubt my mother will drag me back by my ears yet.

[ But she looks uncomfortable, faced with the obviousness of her choice - to accept her fate or to fight against it. She's not certain what to do with herself, a knot of anxiety in her stomach, and she frowns as her fingers brush over the book.

There's no hiding how desolate she seems, suddenly. Small, in fact. ]


You make it sound so very easy.
indissection: (119)

[personal profile] indissection 2018-12-29 01:09 am (UTC)(link)
[ The knot in her stomach just seems to be getting bigger and she can't quite look Anders in the eye, not after seeing his arm. ]

I have done something. I'm here. Isn't that enough?

[ She came to Anders because she thought he might give her confidence and he has, but she still feels on edge. The idea of someone knowing she was with a woman, that she cared for one, that she had embraced one as a lover... It makes goosebumps rise on her skin and her hands clench.

She is afraid, and she knows it. It is cowardly. ]


What is the purpose of gaining the scars if you will never be able to carry them without shame?
indissection: (163)

[personal profile] indissection 2018-12-29 01:49 am (UTC)(link)
It must be enough. I am doing my duty.

[ Bowing her head, she purses her lips, feeling on edge and unsure, as if there is a great weight on her shoulders that she must carry alone. It is not the case, of course - if anyone is going to empathise in some way Anders would be the one to do it.

He shares many of her feelings. ]


I do not think we are talking about just my romantic interests anymore.
indissection: (040)

[personal profile] indissection 2018-12-29 02:45 am (UTC)(link)
[ Perhaps when she is more comfortable she might be more willing to accept what Anders is saying, but after the shock of war and the horror of battle, all tied together with Byerly's proposal and her own self-loathing getting tangled up with her interactions with others... It's no wonder her mind is a mess. ]

No. We are not.

[ And it is painful for her to think about even now.

Passing it back over, she nods her head. ]


There are many reasons I dislike the Chantry and their views on the study of the dead is among the top items on the list. I would not be foolish enough to bring their eye upon us as they would damn me with the same brush.
indissection: (006)

[personal profile] indissection 2018-12-29 03:46 pm (UTC)(link)
[ Sidony thinks of the agreement she had made with Byerly and wonders - they might have enough ammunition, but she's not going to mention that to Anders, no matter what awkward trust she has in him. ]

Aren't there always?

[ Nodding her head, she drags her fingers away from the book, forcing herself to be restrained. ]

Thank you.
indissection: (070)

[personal profile] indissection 2019-01-03 11:23 pm (UTC)(link)
[ There's a moment of quiet, uncertain hesitance before she purses her lips and speaks. ]

Are you dedicated to doing this alone or would you tolerate some assistance?

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