justice_is_blond | Inbox for Fade Rift

[There's also no room for living in these machinations, he's considering pointing out, until she reaches the last part.]

There is nothing wrong with loving someone who you can't bear children with.

[His voice is gentle.]

Sidony... You are not just a thing to be used in the way others deem fit. You are a person. And I think you could use figuring out who this person is, rather than simply what place others expect her to occupy. You're not a, a, a pawn on a chessboard unless you let yourself be, and that would be such a waste of an intelligent, passionate, lead-taking person.

[ She appears nothing more than miserable. ]

There is. There is when it is your purpose to bear children.

[ The gentleness makes her feel worse, the facts of her world - that she is there for marriage, for children, for that future and little else making her sour and frustrated, unsure why she came in the first place - leaving her unsettled. ]

It does not matter what I want or what I wish. I will be married and when I am I will have a husband who will have his children in me and there will be no room for much else. [ No dissections, no surgery, nothing. ] He shall have whatever mistress he shall like and I will have his children. I... [ A breath, shaken. ] My life has been destined for waste since I was eleven. Whatever desires I had ever sought had been taken from me. I am not foolish enough to imagine that the most base of them would be fulfilled.

[Places. Expectations. They work fine when you're born the sort that fits into them, but when you're not...]

I ask you to think about being foolish. To stop, and to weigh it out. You won't have security, likely. You won't have fine things much of the time. But you could have a life. You could have love. You could have something precious in this world that makes everything you've dealt with worth it.

There is nothing like freedom, nor is there anything like being loved and in love. I would trade everything for those things again, in a heartbeat.

Do I need love?

[ There is one thing she had wanted that she would never have and all her other dreams seem like nothing in comparison. Who needs love? Such a silly thing to dream after, the topic of poems and stories the other ladies loved. Sidony wanted her future, but she’d not get to keep it. ]

I - I am not sure what you imagine me to be, Anders, but I am not a creature of love nor lust. I will not be beholden to such things no matter how grand they might appear to be. Love will not guide me or cure me. It cannot. [ A soft, sad sound slips from her mouth. ] I... I will not be seen so kindly - no. I am... [ Not undesirable, but... ] It is not what I was made for.

I imagine you a person.

[His voice is quiet.]

Neither wanton nor desperate. A person who has chosen to be beholden to other people, and other people's whims and wishes rather than her own. There is... There is an easiness to resignation. To saying that you are not in charge of your own destiny, that you cannot change it, that you can only resent it and move on. A comfort, even. That is why so many of my own people are willing to go back to captivity and the Circle - having a place takes a large burden of life off one's shoulders.

[His voice gets less quiet; there's an undertone of passion there now.]

But how can it possibly be worth it? How can you give up the world, your skills, your passions, for a pretty cage with bars made of familial and societal approval? There is no end to the expectations, and no end to the pitfalls. What if he's not able to father a child? What if you're not able to bear? What if he loses his lands and title and you have no place left and are bound to him?

Then I am bound. It is a matter of honour.

[ Her voice is the smallest it has been now. ]

Do not mistake my acceptance for resignation. Do not think that all that I do is - is because it is more comfortable. I am here because I wish to study and learn, because my desire to do what my mother and the Chantry dictate is wrong outweighs everything else. I burn with it. I want to know the human body, to learn the pains and aches, to understand the depths of it and the hurts, but I also know that it is my honour as a Venaras to do as my family bids.

[ She lifts her hand and touches her chest. ]

I cannot picture myself dishonoured. I cannot imagine losing my mother and father and brother, as distant as I am from them. I cannot imagine myself labelled with... The brush of damnation for something that might be as simple as childish excitement. [ And it seems she is well practiced with talking herself out of her feelings towards women, no matter who she is speaking to. ] My pretty cage is as important to me as your freedom.

And you are so content that you came to me.

[He meets her eyes, calling the bluff.]

Learn who you are, Sidony Venaras. Learn what you truly want before it is too late, rather than dismissing it as childish excitement. You could save so many lives... or you can take your knowledge, hide it away, and bear a child or two.

[Anders gets up and pushes some papers aside to pull out a very worn book, setting it on the table just in her reach.]

There's always more to learn.

I do not intend to stop my work as a surgeon for many, many years. I doubt my mother will drag me back by my ears yet.

[ But she looks uncomfortable, faced with the obviousness of her choice - to accept her fate or to fight against it. She's not certain what to do with herself, a knot of anxiety in her stomach, and she frowns as her fingers brush over the book.

There's no hiding how desolate she seems, suddenly. Small, in fact. ]

You make it sound so very easy.

[For the first time in this conversation Anders smiles, struck by the comment.]

I apologize for that. There's nothing easy to taking one's life and making of it what they will, what they want, if it goes against what is seen as proper.

[He pushes up a sleeve, showing old scars of shackles around his wrist before letting the cloth fall back over it and the smile fade.]

I escaped my Circle seven times, a fortress on an island in a lake in Ferelden. The scars you'll bear if you do this will be less physical, but no less real. Then again, is there such a thing as a life without scars? What matters is making them worth it.

[ The knot in her stomach just seems to be getting bigger and she can't quite look Anders in the eye, not after seeing his arm. ]

I have done something. I'm here. Isn't that enough?

[ She came to Anders because she thought he might give her confidence and he has, but she still feels on edge. The idea of someone knowing she was with a woman, that she cared for one, that she had embraced one as a lover... It makes goosebumps rise on her skin and her hands clench.

She is afraid, and she knows it. It is cowardly. ]

What is the purpose of gaining the scars if you will never be able to carry them without shame?

You have done something, and you are here. You were on a difficult battlefield, and were indispensable. Is it enough?

[It's a technique a few of his teachers had tried, turning his questions back on themselves. It had worked... sometimes.]

The value of the scars is that you look at them and see what was in the past, what could have happened to you, and what you've made instead. You've saved lives. You can continue to do so.

Is this enough for you? These few months or years of shaping your own life? Do you think that you can go back now that you've started to meet yourself?

It must be enough. I am doing my duty.

[ Bowing her head, she purses her lips, feeling on edge and unsure, as if there is a great weight on her shoulders that she must carry alone. It is not the case, of course - if anyone is going to empathise in some way Anders would be the one to do it.

He shares many of her feelings. ]

I do not think we are talking about just my romantic interests anymore.

[That's a no. But not a no that can quite be pressed on, just yet, and she at least may know it's a no. She has someone to talk about it with and she's thinking and they have at least a little time yet. The war won't be won tomorrow.]

I suppose we aren't. It all ties together, but we're not on that topic alone, no.

[Anders gestures toward the book.]

That's... along the lines of dangerous to have. You may find it interesting. I'd like to keep it in here, though, and only have it out from under the papers while the door's closed, for safety's sake.

[It isn't blood magic, but he's not sure the regular hateful non-healer, non-doctor would care to see the difference and it would be all too easy to find a mob roused against him.]

And, perhaps, reading it can be for the future's sake. Romantic interests, and life, and all that entails.

[ Perhaps when she is more comfortable she might be more willing to accept what Anders is saying, but after the shock of war and the horror of battle, all tied together with Byerly's proposal and her own self-loathing getting tangled up with her interactions with others... It's no wonder her mind is a mess. ]

No. We are not.

[ And it is painful for her to think about even now.

Passing it back over, she nods her head. ]

There are many reasons I dislike the Chantry and their views on the study of the dead is among the top items on the list. I would not be foolish enough to bring their eye upon us as they would damn me with the same brush.

I don't think they could pull off executing you, but there'd certainly be consequences.

[Sending her back might be somewhat close to ending her life, in a metaphorical way.]

Feel free to look through it and read as you'd like. I can stop pressuring you for now.

[ Sidony thinks of the agreement she had made with Byerly and wonders - they might have enough ammunition, but she's not going to mention that to Anders, no matter what awkward trust she has in him. ]

Aren't there always?

[ Nodding her head, she drags her fingers away from the book, forcing herself to be restrained. ]

Thank you.

No good deed goes unpunished, but I was once told that you never know if you can fly until you begin to fall.

[He nods his head in reply to the thanks and gets up, stretching.]

Was there anything else? I don't mind your company or conversation, to be clear. But if you don't need my complete focus I've a dragon liver I'm cutting apart to see if there's anything to be learned.

[ There's a moment of quiet, uncertain hesitance before she purses her lips and speaks. ]

Are you dedicated to doing this alone or would you tolerate some assistance?

[Anders smiles and gestures at the wash basin.]

More than tolerate. Someone to bounce observations off would be welcome, but if I tell you to stop you'll need to stop right away. I'm taking apart what dragon organs I can to further what I know of how they deal with the Blight. There might be a risk involved.

[ She goes to prepare and clean herself, nodding her head. ]

I didn't get this far without some understanding of how to follow instruction. [ She offers a small smile. ] I am prepared to take the risk.

I got this far thanks to flouting instruction.

[Amusement shows in his eyes and voice as he rolls back out the small knives and tweezers before pulling a cloth off of a very large liver on a tray. He holds his hand over it, and his hand glows an orange-red.]

Thawing this out. I freeze what I get to stave off decay as I can't always get to it right away. The gangs in Darktown get more worked up during the cold months, it seems.

I'm not quite as old as you yet.

[ Said with a small smirk, to show that she's probably joking. Probably.

Unfortunately, she does not look at his hands, deliberately glancing elsewhere, a wrinkle on her nose. ]

It seems like a logical thing to do.

[His smile grows at her comment only to fade as she looks away.]

...Is something the matter?

[She'd let him heal her and she's not had objections to his company so it's not magic that's the problem here, he's fairly certain. But he also can't see why she'd might be squeamish when she'd made no face as he told her what they'd be doing.

Anders finishes the thawing and watches her, eyebrow raised.]

No, nothing at all.

[ Her aversion to magic is nothing that concerns Anders. She dislikes looking at it if only because it reminders her of her own faults and failures - not good enough for her dreams, not good enough compared to her brother. ]

Please continue.

[Calling out something he's unclear about seems a waste of time and also possibly goodwill, so he moves on.]

What we're looking for, [he says as he starts a careful incision along the side of the organ,] are small sections of swelling that might be present. Dragons seem to be able to seal away the Blight until it overwhelms them, but I don't know what parts are involved.

[Or, honestly, the full relevance of parts that are involved.]

I've... I've far less information than I'd like to have. But how is the largest question, because I'd like to see if it can be used, somehow, to make the cure less of a risk, or if there's a way to stave off the Blight for longer for those who might not want to risk the cure.

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