justice_is_blond | Inbox for Fade Rift

Wait? What wait? I wrote you off as entirely uninterested years ago.

[It's delivered with an amused snort before he returns the kiss and adds another.]

I thought for certain I wasn't what you were into. It made the teasing more of a challenge, and made you, I thought, a fair target for Zevran's challenge.

[The hand in Nate's hair moves down to his shoulder to push lightly, so that Anders can meet Nate's eyes. The smile he's wearing is one that very few have seen, open, a little shy, and warm.]

I'm glad I was wrong. And I am, surprisingly, glad I owe him a drink.

Oh, I was interested. [He gives one more grind of his hips before pulling out of Anders, giving a slight shudder.] I was only certain you were teasing. A gorgeous, charming, talented man, interested in a grizzled, homely, grumpy thing like me?

[He sits up and rests his elbows on his knees, feeling better than he has in a long time.]

Mm.

[The grind feels good, despite how sensitive he is, and he sighs as he loses the fantastic feeling of being full. Next time, Nate had said. He very much hoped the man meant that.]

Say that part again? The gorgeous, charming, talented bit?

[The smile's growing slowly, and Anders sits up and leans against Nate because he's not quite ready to end all of the physical contact.]

Not the other part, because most of it's wrong. Homely and grumpy are entirely incorrect. But I happen to like grizzled.

[A beat.]

Okay. Maybe a little grumpy. But not an off-putting amount. And exceedingly far from homely. Especially right now.

[Nathaniel slides an arm behind Anders and manages to cuddle with him, resting his cheek atop his head.]

Really? [He's never managed to see that in the mirror. Though he does tend to avoid mirrors for that reason.] Thomas and Delilah got all the looks. The only good thing I seemed to inherit was the family compulsive heroism.

Really.

[There's complete honesty in his voice as Anders relaxes against the man. He hasn't had a good after-sex cuddle in... forever. His partners don't tend to be into it. Which makes sense for most casual encounters. Nate's apparently touchy-feely after, though, and Anders is doing the opposite of objecting.]

You've strong, powerful features. Dependable. Striking.

[He'd make a joke about the beard doing bad things for him, but it sounds like Nate needs to hear how someone else sees him. Maybe this is why there hadn't been any rumors about Nate's sex life in Vigil's Keep - he hadn't pursued anyone because he didn't think himself attractive? That's a sad thought, though Anders can't quite pin down why.]

In the light of a campfire, the drama of it only increases. But why talk about your face alone? You've long, skilled fingers, powerful arms, are in beautiful shape, and Maker, your cock is fucking perfect.

[He tilts his head to kiss Nate's neck lightly.]

You are a very, very handsome man. I mean it, Nate.

[Something age-old in Nathaniel eases, and partly detaches. All those times his mother talked about his complexion, how bad his features were when he smiled or frowned, how he should wear his hair down to draw attention away from his nose...]

When you've had every physical flaw pointed out to you repeatedly, in detail, you learn not to look in the mirror too often. [He relaxes, feeling oddly at ease. No longer so habitually guarded. Maybe there are benefits to sleeping with people you'll see again.]

[There is nothing redeemable about Nate's parents, Anders has decided, and that only cements it. His arms go around Nate.]

They were wrong. Absolutely wrong. Of course, now that you know you're attractive I'm probably going to have to share you with half of Skyhold, aren't I. Ground rule: if you're going to sleep with someone in the tent, put something outside the flap, please. The cot works. And make sure Purrelden's not watching. She's too young to be exposed to that.

[It's a full smile pressed against Nate's neck this time. Letting himself feel happy is stupid and such a risk because it always goes wrong, but he feels it anyway right now.]

[Share you with half of Skyhold.

Nathaniel doesn't want to be shared.

Nathaniel doesn't want to share Anders.

He exhales defeat at the epiphany, tightening his arms around Anders, eyes sinking shut.]

I don't think you have anything to worry about. I have a bad arm, it slows me down.

[Just a light jest while his mind flashes the you idiot signals.

He cares for Anders. As in, cares for. And he has for quite some time now.

Andraste's blood.]

[That's... not exactly the expected reaction, a heavy sigh and a tight grasp, almost as if he doesn't want to let go. The bad arm won't be bad forever, not when Anders has something to say about it, and... A tiny suspicion begins to bloom, fostered by the glances Zevran had been giving the both of them, the mention of a wait, and that Nate could always see his beauty and his light. It's impossible, though, because Anders is Anders. No one could want him for more than just sex. He's a danger. A threat.

And until this moment he'd had no clue how much he might want to be wanted by the best person he knows.

It would be a disaster. It's stupid to even think about it. And he's entirely reading into such small things, that can't be what is going on here. Nate's just nervous about rejection, or something.

He realizes he's been quiet for a stretch of time now, and still doesn't know what to say.]

Is... everything all right?

[Yeah, no, that was not the right thing to ask.]

[No. Everything is not all right. Nathaniel doesn't need to come up with a dozen good reasons not to pursue Anders, just one bad one and one good one.

The bad one is not wanting to wind up like his parents did in their miserable, toxic marriage.

The good one is Justice. Courting Anders would mean courting Justice. And there may yet come a day when Justice will have to be killed without Anders' knowledge or consent. A betrayal like that would be so much worse if they were...together.

Anders can't know how he feels. If he does, he'll feel beholden somehow, like he owes Nathaniel something he doesn't. Leave it, then. Leave it for that elusive day when there is no Justice and re-evaluate then. By then, he might have some idea what there is to even tell him.]

I'm not sure, [he says honestly.] I have never been with anyone if I knew I was going to see them again. I'm not sure what happens now.

[It's a relief and a sting both. Anders and Justice both work to wipe out that little twinge of pain - he would drag down anyone who was with him, or he would hurt them, or someone else would hurt them to hurt him as has been done before and so harshly. This is safer for Nate, and so he needs to be glad of it.]

What happens is that now we know the other is attracted and an option. We're friends with... additional activity options.

[His voice is light and pleasant as he works to embrace the relief alone. This is why he needs to not be so stupidly fast to start wanting things.]

Publicly nothing changes.

[Which protects Nate.]

Which means I'm still going to shamelessly flirt with you. And now you know that if you respond to the flirting, you can have me.

[Protecting Nate is good, and that helps him finally gain the acceptance he needs here. He's not losing anything. He is, in fact, gaining a lover, without endangering said lover. This is a win.]

Publicly people have already seen me shove you up against a tree. And I'm fair certain anyone in the Warden camp heard us. And a number of people out of it.

[You can have me. It's a lovely thought, but also feels a little dishonest, having Anders without telling him of his feelings. Though if all physical relationships relied on complete and utter frankness, nobody would ever get laid.

His eyes find something across the tent to fall on. A moment of silence passes.]

I'd...like to ask something. In the interest of honesty.

Of course.

[There's a flash of a smile again, against Nate's skin, at the mention of the tree. That had been absolutely delicious. He's going to need to provoke Nate like that again sometime, maybe when they're off in the trees alone... and he's getting sidetracked.]

Ask anything you'd like. And people will gossip about the tree and forget about it.

[Likely the next time Zevran shoves Anders against something they'll have entirely forgotten Nate had.]

[Ah, that is true. Nathaniel smiles.]

In the event someone develops...feelings. I...think we should be able to talk about it--when Justice is safely back in the Fade. Not before, but...definitely then. Is that fair?

[He goes still, trying to process what that means.]

Are...

[There's only one way to take it. It's not an 'in the event.' There is something, Nathaniel feels something, but he doesn't want to be with an abomination.

And Anders may never be separated from Justice.]

You suggested it.

[His voice is small, a little hurt.]

You'd...

[Nate had the idea that he merge with Justice and Anders has never held it against the archer, because who could have known what would happen, but this is incredibly not fair if he's reading between the lines. Anders sags against Nate. But can he really blame the man? Anders is possessed, and Nate and Justice had never liked each other. Anders had recently reminded Nate of this, even, and he's just gone through the mental notes about how this is safer if they're not attached.]

[It takes him a second to realize what Anders means. His eyes widen.]

That--no. I--Anders. [His face burns. He should have said it differently.]

There is nothing wrong with you as you are. Nothing. But I...I don't want you to be torn between him and me. It's not that I wouldn't want you. It's that you have too many powerful forces trying to influence you as it is, him and others. You don't need another.

[So many things could go wrong, so many ways Nathaniel could mishandle it without knowing.]

I don't want...to be in a position where I could hurt you.

[He needs a few moments to breathe and reprocess everything that's being said, still curled up and feeling a thousand different emotions. He's not entirely sure he follows the point Nate is making, but he'll cling to Nate saying it's not that he's an abomination, at least.]

All right.

[His voice is quiet, and he's filled with regret and questions he can't ask. How long has Nate felt things for him? Why didn't he even hint at it? Why... A dozen whys and they'll not be voiced.]

All right.

[He needs to focus and keep from hoping, push it down, because there's not a lot of hope when it comes to being unpossessed anyway. This is something that will not happen, and he has to accept that no matter how he wants things to go differently.]

You'd... You'd likely be hurt too. It's better this way.

[Still trying to convince himself, but he'll manage.]

[He hadn't expected Anders to seem this hurt. But Anders doesn't know the last resort is still an option. Anders doesn't know Justice is going, one way or another.

That's why they can't be together.

He kisses Anders' brow.]

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.

[THIS IS WHAT HE MEANS love is so dumb and it's too easy to hurt someone.]

[He doesn't say it's all right because he's not all right, but he can accept this in time. At the end of the day, Anders doesn't want to drag someone else down or see them hurt because of him. It's just hard to know that he could have love except it's dangling just out of reach, possibly for good.

Anders closes his eyes and leans there, listening to Nate's heart beat.]

I know. I know you didn't.

[He'll take what Nate is willing to give him. It's still more than he expected.]

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