justice_is_blond | Inbox for Fade Rift

[He's not being heard. Nate's trying, but he's not hearing what Anders is saying, and Anders makes a pained noise. How can he explain? How could anyone understand who hadn't been in Anders' shoes?]

Because it's what happens. Because I find something, and I, I lose it! And I don't, I can't lose again. I can't. If it happens again, I'm done. I'll be done.

[There's nothing rational about what he's feeling and that makes it worse.]

[That makes something shift in Nathaniel's brain. A switch is flipped. He's arguing with Anders and Anders doesn't need someone to argue. Anders doesn't need someone to be a rational thinker. Anders needs someone who will wait out the storm with him.]

I know. [He's not going to take this time to talk Anders out of potential suicide in a future that will probably never come to pass.] I know. I love you.

[He presses against Nate then.]

I'm sorry. I love you too, and I'm sorry. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to always be afraid. I'm tired of being afraid. I don't know how not to be, even though I trust you.

[Nathaniel thinks about that. It's not an entirely uncommon experience, after all. It echoes in him, as it would echo in many who heard those words.]

Don't try not to be, [he says slowly. There were so many things he tried not to be for the first thirty years of his life. Things people didn't want him to be. Everything felt so out of control.] It's not wrong to be afraid. And the more you try to push things away, the more they stick with you. It doesn't mean you don't trust me. It means you're entering a dangerous situation. Just let yourself fear this, for now. Don't berate yourself, or use it to hurt yourself. Don't help it. Don't try to stifle or dampen it. Just let it take over for a little while. It knows when it's got its message across, and it moves on like the weather when it's done.

[He breathes in and out, letting Nate's words settle in.]

I hate being afraid.

[But it's not an argument. Anders exhales again and rests his head against Nate. If this is what the person he trusts most suggests, then he's going to listen.]

But I'll let it be, I won't fight it, since you say not to.

[That's difficult. Still harder, not berating himself over the fear that feels like it could consume him. He feels weak and broken all over again, with a burn in his heart and limbs that makes everything seem heavy.]

Don't let them put me in a barrel? It's likely just a joke. But I can't, there's no way I can do that and Kirkwall.

[A small, dark, enclosed place, alone? He'd have trouble with that even without Kirkwall being involved.]

Alistair isn't in charge of sneaky things, dear, [Nathaniel says grimly.] I'm in charge of sneaky things. Nobody is going to put you in a barrel, or a crate, or anything. Those are always the first places guards look, at any rate.

[Dear. He likes 'dear,' a lot. He likes what it means. He's dear to Nate.]

You're far better at stealth than he can ever hope to be, [Anders breathes. Nate's far better than him too, but that's something that's rather obvious.]

Thank you. I... Maker, I'm tired.

[He takes a breath, resting against Nate's chest.]

I know I've no right to forget the destruction I've left in my wake. But that doesn't make reminders any easier.

[He tenderly brushes hair away from Anders' eyes.]

Maybe this is your chance to make amends. Help repair the city. Atone.

Mm.

[Privately, he believes that there is nothing he can do that will ever atone. Not enough for anyone who wants it, not enough for the Maker. But he envies and treasures Nate's ability to see chances and hope when Anders can't.]

Maybe. Andraste knows there's likely plenty of that to do. It's not like the city was in excellent shape even before... everything. Whether it will make any difference, I can't say.

[It would be so nice to just stay here, in Nate's arms, pretending that the world isn't out there.]

[Nathaniel's brow furrows.]

Nothing I do will ever turn back time for the people my father tortured, killed, or sold into slavery. I don't do it because I think I can erase some imaginary ledger upon which his crimes are written. I work to do better because I must. He's never going to have to clean up his own mess, or feel the guilt he should. But I'm here, and someone has to do it. It's the only inheritance I have from him.

Edited 2017-04-02 18:55 (UTC)

[He pulls back, looking at Nate with faint confusion in his expression.]

Isn't that what atone means? Helping with that ledger? You are the one that said atone, love.

...What's the correct word for it, then? Making amends, helping where you've hurt?

Making amends is much the same.

[He's quiet for a few moments, resting there, reaching up to brush a bit of Nate's hair back.]

Trying to repair things that cannot truly be repaired, or at least do a patchwork job of hide over the hole in the ceiling. Which I... I think you try. You know it'll not change what's gone on, but we did go to save Kallian's mother right after you learned of her fate.

[That dries up anything else Nathaniel was going to say. How many times has he ranted about how the name Howe is going to mean something again? He wants to argue, and doesn't want to argue. This is a peaceful moment. That piece of gristle will have to be something he keeps chewing on later.]

She was the first of my father's victims I had to face myself. But I didn't save her right after learning of her fate. I learned of her fate years ago, I just didn't have a name or a face to attach to it. And rescuing one person doesn't mean I've made amends. It just means I don't have to look at Kallian again and think of everything I haven't done.

[He leans in to rest his forehead against Nate's. The whole subject is complicated and fraught with emotions - guilt, regret, anger, shame - and they don't need to dig into it.]

Going to Kirkwall will mean looking at everything I did, and everything I didn't do. I rescued so many, healed so many... and it changed nothing.

[Nathaniel closes his eyes, resting against Anders.] I imagine it changed a great deal for the people you rescued and healed. Just like it changed a great deal for Kallian's mother to be liberated.

[Individuals, rather than a group. He has trouble seeing the trees for the forest, sometimes.]

It likely did. You're probably right.

[It's a problem, to always want, almost constantly need, more. He can add it to the list of problems he has, all of his shortcomings. At least Nate seems to love him no matter what. Anders sighs.]

Facing this will not be easy. But I'm not alone, at least.

Never. [Nathaniel ducks down to kiss him softly.] You are the strongest person I have ever met. I know you don't feel it, but I've never known of anyone who came through so much and still longs to help people.

[He doesn't feel it, especially when he's come back to their tent seeking comfort and strength. Gently he kisses back, brushing through Nate's hair again.]

You say, to the man laying here in bed talking about how he's afraid.

[There's a tiny note of amusement in his voice.]

I've a gift. Not using it is a waste, especially considering how much I've paid for having it.

You have paid for it. But I think being afraid has to be part of how you're strong. To feel so much, all the time, and not want it to change. I've spent so many years trying not to hurt, and you're willing to hurt if it lets you help. I'll never understand it, love.

Edited 2017-04-03 02:17 (UTC)

There are too many people out there who no one will help, who no one sees. I can't ignore that.

[He'd been among the unseen. He knows how difficult it is. And he can't ignore people for the sake of his own pain.]

They need someone. Anyone. If it hurts a little to be that person...

[Anders shrugs. With all he's survived, he knows he can make it. They might not be able to. It doesn't feel like strength, but Nate's words help him see how Nate sees it.]

Knowing I'm not alone in it changes everything, too.

You'll never be alone again. [A kiss on the corner of his mouth.] Never. But I will never doubt that you are the stronger of the two of us.

Edited 2017-04-03 22:35 (UTC)

[Never alone again. He closes his eyes and lets himself hear those words, turn them over, savor them. They're beautiful. Anders smiles warm and sappily at Nate as he tugs his husband close.]

Never doubt that you are much of the source of that strength either, love, and that I couldn't do this without you.

[He feels whole with Nate, and considering the past decade, that's a huge leap beyond anything he could have expected or asked for.]

[Nathaniel's eyes slide shut, and he revels in the feeling of Anders in his arms. Bound to this man, he is completely free.]

I've never known a happiness like this. It will withstand what it to come. We will withstand.

You make me believe that.

[It's whispered as he cuddles close, feeling some of the knots in his chest and throat ease up.]

That we can withstand, I mean. It's easy to believe never knowing a happiness like this before, especially when there's no one like you.

[Reaching down, he threads his fingers through Nate's as he takes his hand.]

Together we can handle Kirkwall.

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