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[justice_is_blond]

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[justice_is_blond]

[He pulls back, looking at Nate with faint confusion in his expression.]

Isn't that what atone means? Helping with that ledger? You are the one that said atone, love.

[pinprick]

...What's the correct word for it, then? Making amends, helping where you've hurt?

[justice_is_blond]

Making amends is much the same.

[He's quiet for a few moments, resting there, reaching up to brush a bit of Nate's hair back.]

Trying to repair things that cannot truly be repaired, or at least do a patchwork job of hide over the hole in the ceiling. Which I... I think you try. You know it'll not change what's gone on, but we did go to save Kallian's mother right after you learned of her fate.

[pinprick]

[That dries up anything else Nathaniel was going to say. How many times has he ranted about how the name Howe is going to mean something again? He wants to argue, and doesn't want to argue. This is a peaceful moment. That piece of gristle will have to be something he keeps chewing on later.]

She was the first of my father's victims I had to face myself. But I didn't save her right after learning of her fate. I learned of her fate years ago, I just didn't have a name or a face to attach to it. And rescuing one person doesn't mean I've made amends. It just means I don't have to look at Kallian again and think of everything I haven't done.

[justice_is_blond]

[He leans in to rest his forehead against Nate's. The whole subject is complicated and fraught with emotions - guilt, regret, anger, shame - and they don't need to dig into it.]

Going to Kirkwall will mean looking at everything I did, and everything I didn't do. I rescued so many, healed so many... and it changed nothing.

[pinprick]

[Nathaniel closes his eyes, resting against Anders.] I imagine it changed a great deal for the people you rescued and healed. Just like it changed a great deal for Kallian's mother to be liberated.

[justice_is_blond]

[Individuals, rather than a group. He has trouble seeing the trees for the forest, sometimes.]

It likely did. You're probably right.

[It's a problem, to always want, almost constantly need, more. He can add it to the list of problems he has, all of his shortcomings. At least Nate seems to love him no matter what. Anders sighs.]

Facing this will not be easy. But I'm not alone, at least.

[pinprick]

Never. [Nathaniel ducks down to kiss him softly.] You are the strongest person I have ever met. I know you don't feel it, but I've never known of anyone who came through so much and still longs to help people.

[justice_is_blond]

[He doesn't feel it, especially when he's come back to their tent seeking comfort and strength. Gently he kisses back, brushing through Nate's hair again.]

You say, to the man laying here in bed talking about how he's afraid.

[There's a tiny note of amusement in his voice.]

I've a gift. Not using it is a waste, especially considering how much I've paid for having it.

[pinprick]

You have paid for it. But I think being afraid has to be part of how you're strong. To feel so much, all the time, and not want it to change. I've spent so many years trying not to hurt, and you're willing to hurt if it lets you help. I'll never understand it, love.

[justice_is_blond]

There are too many people out there who no one will help, who no one sees. I can't ignore that.

[He'd been among the unseen. He knows how difficult it is. And he can't ignore people for the sake of his own pain.]

They need someone. Anyone. If it hurts a little to be that person...

[Anders shrugs. With all he's survived, he knows he can make it. They might not be able to. It doesn't feel like strength, but Nate's words help him see how Nate sees it.]

Knowing I'm not alone in it changes everything, too.

[pinprick]

You'll never be alone again. [A kiss on the corner of his mouth.] Never. But I will never doubt that you are the stronger of the two of us.

[justice_is_blond]

[Never alone again. He closes his eyes and lets himself hear those words, turn them over, savor them. They're beautiful. Anders smiles warm and sappily at Nate as he tugs his husband close.]

Never doubt that you are much of the source of that strength either, love, and that I couldn't do this without you.

[He feels whole with Nate, and considering the past decade, that's a huge leap beyond anything he could have expected or asked for.]

[pinprick]

[Nathaniel's eyes slide shut, and he revels in the feeling of Anders in his arms. Bound to this man, he is completely free.]

I've never known a happiness like this. It will withstand what it to come. We will withstand.

[justice_is_blond]

You make me believe that.

[It's whispered as he cuddles close, feeling some of the knots in his chest and throat ease up.]

That we can withstand, I mean. It's easy to believe never knowing a happiness like this before, especially when there's no one like you.

[Reaching down, he threads his fingers through Nate's as he takes his hand.]

Together we can handle Kirkwall.