justice_is_blond: ([ooc] SAVE THE KITTENS)
Anders ([personal profile] justice_is_blond) wrote2016-01-15 11:45 am
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Inbox for Fade Rift

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alankazam: ([ black - consider ])

[personal profile] alankazam 2017-03-17 05:26 pm (UTC)(link)
It's a relief to see Anders gets it. His shoulders sag.

"I tried avoiding him," But. "There’s someone who wanted us to talk. Thought it would make it — better, somehow."

"I thought I’d be fine. It shouldn't have mattered, it happened. I can't change it. He can't. But then he was talking and there were all these," Excuses, he wants to say. Instinct forces moderation — "Reasons, and they were saying he wasn’t wrong for having done it, and,"

"And then I was hitting him, and then he took it away." He doesn’t have the words. Doesn’t really think that Anders will need them. "I’d never. I knew they could do that, but I hadn’t ever felt it. It was like,"

All the breath gone out, if breathing were that Other sense.
His hand opens and shuts on empty air.

If Alan stopped to think about it rationally, he’d understand why Alistair had done it. Understand that what he is owns the power to frighten.

But he’s not thinking like that. He’s thinking like a scared kid in the snow, staring down a problem with the knowledge that if he doesn’t work this one out, there won’t be any more after. And that’s the way it’s always going to look, as long as he’s looking at Alistair.

It’s different now. His hands are strong, he’s grown, he’s alone. No one is going to take anything from him, because he has nothing for the taking. Nothing except his own magic, except the solace of another soul to run to; nothing except the sureness of capability, of survival.

(Nothing except a friend, he’d thought, perhaps —)

Alan hates him for it. Hates it like he hates the first loss, the second. My family, my god, my magic,

(She’d called them friends.)

He’s done the wrong thing here, he knows. Anders is right. Kindness — it’s the right decision to make. For everyone. For himself, even if he doesn’t feel it.

It’s the right decision. It’s not going to be the easy one.

alankazam: ([ white - observe ])

[personal profile] alankazam 2017-03-24 10:34 am (UTC)(link)
He listens, and that matters. Alan rarely speaks so much of himself in a breath. To find that Anders has heard, it's —

— The best he can offer, and no falsehood for it. Alan's head tips up to settle into the silence. A spider makes slow passes between the cross-poles, weaves itself a home within the corners.

"I can't outrun it." Neither of them can. The past owns a rapid pace, of late. "So maybe I need to let it find me."

Not be led to it, not like that again, a dog on a lead. No: Wear the skin of it, those places he's from, the truths he's felt. Let them see who he is, and let himself know it, too. If you hold any shape long enough, it starts to seem as though it's all that's there.

And he's been holding hidden for twelve years.

"Was it — is it better?"

Now that they've found Anders.
alankazam: ([ white - chat ])

[personal profile] alankazam 2017-03-29 08:49 pm (UTC)(link)
"You could have done good there, too,"

He points out, voice soft. A responsibility to help,

Anders has bared his throat here, Alan isn't unaware, wants instinctively to comfort — but it's a token sort of offering, because the decision that Anders speaks is familiar, almost nostalgic for its certainty.

Perhaps it shouldn't be, they always held themselves apart from the world below. But it was to a higher purpose. It was taking a stand, in its own way.

(It couldn't last.)

It's all... complex. He doesn't know what to make of it still, all these shifting little convictions, the way his feelings flit from one view to the next.

"We have to," He mulls, begins again. "We have to choose our responsibilities, I think. Have to commit to them. To each other."

"I just wonder at what we trade. Andraste gave her life —" Twice over. "— At times, I wonder if it was the only way."

A confession he's not aired elsewhere, and guilty for it.
alankazam: ([ black - consider ])

[personal profile] alankazam 2017-04-11 09:00 pm (UTC)(link)
"Thank you,"

He shifts, at last, to stand.

"I should," Think about all of this. "Should check on the soldier."

(A broken leg, that's what happens when you run on a slippery battlement. At least that's what happens to other people.)