justice_is_blond | Inbox for Fade Rift

[He takes a breath.]

I've had strong feelings for four people, Beleth. One I never acknowledged because there was too much risk, and the Templars took him away from me. One I never admitted my feelings to and maybe it was for the better, but I'm not sure. I'll never know. One I told, after hurting her, and I think it was right to tell her. And then there's Nathaniel, who knows, and I'm forever grateful I've told.

[He's getting a little rambly.]

The point is that you can't know all of the possibilities. You can't predict what will happen. But if you want a chance, you will have to speak up. Sitting on it, letting it slip away, means that it will never come to be. It's easier, yes. And you can tell yourself it was never going to happen. But you'll never know.

I know. I--I want to, at some point, that's why I was asking about what humans do, because--I don't think it's the same, for the Dalish. I just...want to be prepared. I know I can't get it perfect, but I can try to smooth out as many potential wrinkles as possible.

[ She feels like she's all over the place, she doesn't want to, it's not proper, but she wants to. Creators damn it all, she's a mess, and Anders is a saint for dealing with her and her haphazard emotions. And he gives her a bit of hope--he's like, super old, and he still found someone, so maybe she's not as much of a risk of being an old maid as she thought. ]

Does he ever...say anything, about me? Like--I don't know, just talking about me?

I don't... I don't sit and chat with him a great deal. And we definitely don't talk about romantic interests; he doesn't like Nate.

[Anders pauses.]

We don't have a ritual. I don't know what the Dalish do, but... figure out something he likes, make sure no Orlesians were involved in its production, and give it to him. Maybe something for his dog, or something to rub on swords if they need things rubbed on the way bowstrings do. ...Or something to rub on his sword, if you feel like cutting to the chase.

[ She wheezes yet again, like air escaping a balloon. Air that has been scandalized by the implication that she would attempt to engage in any kind of intercourse with the man that she was romantically pursuing. ]

Ah. Well. How would he be able to tell that the present wasn't just...a gift for a friend? Or a friend's dog. How would I...um. Convey the proper sentiment? Have my intentions be clear?

Tell him.

[It's both complicated and not.]

Alistair likes things simple. Give him the gift, and tell him it's because of the feelings you have for him, admiration, respect, and interest. Not in those words exactly, make them have emotion, make them you're own, but simply be clear. He'll appreciate it.

[ She makes a clicking noise with her tongue. Yes, wow, amazing, Anders. Why didn't she think of that?? Truly some top notch problem solving. Because she wasn't asking about presents as a way to circumvent that whole talking thing. Truly a revolutionary.

...She doesn't say any of that, because that would be really rude. ]

I'm on the fourth revision of a multipage essay detailing my feelings for him, what I can bring to the metaphorical table that makes me a suitable candidate for a romantic partner, and why he should agree to entering a relationship with me.

I've cut the page count in half since my original draft.

I was hoping I could find a present that would be a little more...concise.

Multi... page... Beleth.

[He's trying so hard not to judge, but he's judging a little anyway.]

Go up to him. Give him the gift. Say directly that it's for him, a token of your feelings for and attraction to him, and while he gets the gift no matter what, you were wondering if he'd like to have dinner as more than just a friendly outing sometime soon.

I have a separate one for Zevran and why he should approve of the relationship, if he finds out before I have a chance to talk to Alistair. I suppose I should think of one for if I do talk to Alistair, before he finds out? I'm surprised he hasn't, yet.

[ Ahem. ]

I just--I know that I am not exactly--well. I don't have a lot to offer, for people outside of the Dalish. And I'm sure he would have concerns! Perfectly legitimate concerns. I want to address these, and make sure that he...sees that even if I'm not perfect, I'm worth giving a shot.

[ It's here that she usually thinks to herself that the other person doesn't understand, couldn't understand what it's like to be someone like her, who has never had someone return their feelings. But even though he has someone now, Anders...seems like he can understand. ]

But, um. I can give that a shot. Maybe I can cut down the speech a little more and work it in with the present...? Or save it for dinner. But I'd need him to accept the dinner, and he might not...

[ She trails off, mumbling to herself as she muses on this. ]

Stop.

[If they were in person, he'd be reaching out to rest a hand on her shoulder.]

No one is perfect. And no one can address all of everyone's concerns in a single date, nor should they try to. Don't give a speech, Beleth. That will send someone running. Just... trust in what he knows of you. He's your friend, he's shared a tent with you, he's an idea of who you are.

[A slow breath.]

If Alistair chooses to see you and start a relationship, the only thing you need to do in regard to Zevran is not be a jerk to him or Alistair. His concern is Alistair's happiness, not attacking someone for courting Alistair.

Either Alistair will accept dinner, and he sees things about you that make him want to date you, or he will not, but he still sees things about you that make you a friend. Accept his answer. A speech will change nothing.

Zevran knows me, he knows me better than anyone outside of my clan, maybe even better than certain people from my clan.

[ And that is problematic, because Zevran knows her flaws. He knows the ugly parts of her that she carefully hides, and he knows all the ways that she wouldn't be good enough for Alistair, and Zevran would surely only want the best for him.

But that's not helping the conversation. Going into a downward spiral about her various issues will do the opposite of help. ]

All of that--It's good advice. [ Even if it's a lot easier said than done. And doesn't take into account the risk of crying, freaking out, and maybe just kicking Alistair in the knee. ] Thank you. You didn't have to, ah. Talk me through this. But I appreciate that you did. I know I get a little, um. Much.

I just...really want this to work out. It's one of the first things that I've wanted, for myself. Something selfish.

I understand. I spent... I spent a very long time ignoring anything I might want.

[And much he needed.]

And something about here gives the freedom to explore, but also the freedom to be hurt. If it doesn't work out, Beleth, you still have a friend who is dependable and true for all that he deflects. You've still gained. It's something that's not always easy to remember, but it is important.

I...I don't know. There's something different, after that. The way you interact is different. Because now he knows how you feel, and you know how he feels, and that--it changes things. It was, um. It was like that with the last person I tried telling.

Maybe that's just my fault. It was hard to be around him, after that.

I think it only changes things if you dwell on it, if you dwell on what you can't have at the exclusion of what you do. Here's the thing, Beleth. If you don't tell him and he figures it out, things will be weird anyway. He'll wonder why you didn't say, wish you would so it would be out there, and so on. If you tell him, and remember that he's valuable to you as "just" a friend, as long as he is, then it doesn't have to be weird.

You'll still have feelings. They won't simply vanish. But you have control of them.

...You're right.

[ Would she prefer to lose Alistair as a friend? No. Never. ]

Thank you, Anders. I'm sorry that I've been so...difficult.

You're welcome, Beleth, and you've not been difficult. I only hope I helped.

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