justice_is_blond | Inbox for Fade Rift

Some of the air goes out of him. Anders is right. He can't live his entire life in limbo, no matter how he has tried. There are no easy answers, no surefire formula to avoid humiliation, heartbreak, or further trauma. He swallows.

"I don't know what to do if I start...seeing things that happened before. Has that ever happened to you?"

"Yes." His voice is quiet. "When your chest goes tight, you can't breathe, and everything is encompassed by those moments again. Considering what it is you're haunted by, I'd be open with anyone that it looks like you might wind up bedding. You don't have to tell them everything, but let them know that you've been hurt, and you might get inside your head for a time, that it's not them. If they can't accept that, then they're not worth your time in the long run."

Which is easier to say than deal with, he knows. But that's life, especially for mages.

"But I still have to go through it," Colin says quietly. "It brought everything back, almost as if it had just happened again."

He lets out a breath and shakes his head.

"No, you're right. I can't live life halfway. It's been nigh-on a year since last time I tried this. Maybe at least I can hope for shorter and shorter recovery times. I'll never know if I don't work at it. But you really think Benedict would understand that explanation? It wouldn't ruin everything, make him think...?"

"I don't know that Benedict will, to be honest." He wishes he had a better answer, but Colin needs the truth. "He's not got the strongest of constitutions. It might be too much for him. But he also may surprise me and turn out to have greater spine than he thought. You don't owe him the chance to see, but you do owe you the chance if your interest lies there."

The Tevinter mage is spoiled, petulant, and stubborn... but he's also shown some growth in the time Anders has known him. He could prove a better man than Anders has so far figured him to be.

Colin hesitates, then chews his lower lip.

"You're right. You're right. But then how long till I want these things with someone else? I mean there's him, there's maybe someone else, who I might feel other things for as well. But before that, it had been nigh-on a year since I wanted anything with anyone. Before that... Look, I'm broken, is what it really comes down to. Like it or not, I'm not going to function like a normal person. I'll want to explore these things, but I have to want it enough to, um, to act against the part of me that's scared that what happened before will happen again."

"Yes." The answer to all of that is acknowledgment. "You're wounded in a way that will never entirely heal. It can get better, it could even for a time seem completely gone, but it will always be there and that is your life now."

There's no sugar-coating it. "Every mage is a little broken from being held captive and taught there should be bars around them. But many are far more broken from what happened while surrounded by those bars. I... I've difficulty with the dark and enclosed spaces and being alone, things that a Warden especially is expected to deal with. I survived my time in solitary," and he's quite certain every Kinloch Hold mage knows about that, "but I didn't walk away from it whole. And that will be a part of my life for forever."

"It's easier to handle with someone." His gaze flickers very briefly to where Purrelden has rolled on to her back, putting her tummy on display, but then he's looking back at Colin as if the glance hadn't happened. "Luckily, you've people around who care. When you feel you need someone, call on me. I'll be here."

A slight nod. Colin's gaze is at once distant and focused, as if whatever he's looking at is in a specific point in the past. A faint gesture with one hand.

"Trying to kill myself had a lot more to do with all of that than with anything that's going on now. I've been on the brink of it for years and years. And people like you and Lexie keep reaching out, and I keep thinking I have to handle everything on my own. Because that's how it was in the old days, when no one would protect me but me. Then I...I was telling Lexie, that when I went into that dark place in my head, you and she followed me in. I didn't know people did that before. Now I do. I know I can just come to you. And I will, from here on."

He nods as well. It makes sense.

"I understand. And there are some things that have to be handled alone, but this isn't one of them. This is when friends can and want to help. So let us." Anders nods toward the cup in front of Colin. "And drink our tea, so we don't start wondering if we're lousy at making tea."

Inbox for Fade Rift

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject