justice_is_blond | Inbox for Fade Rift

"You can tell me anything." This is very strange indeed, and Nathaniel is getting worried now. He takes Anders' hands in his own and swings them gently. "Something is troubling you and I want to help. Please let me."

...Now he's stressing Nate out and making it worse. He truly is awful at relationships. While he'd like nothing more to burrow against Nate as he tries to explain, Anders figures that would add injury to insult once he starts explaining.

Anders looks down. Time to fuck up, as usual.

"It's the Wardens' fault I've not served as much as you, and it's the Wardens' fault I had no option except Justice, but that's never going to matter. Only one thing I've ever done will ever matter. There's no undoing it, there's no changing anything, and I'll forever be That Anders, the liability."

Nathaniel looks surprised, then there's a flash of guilt over his face because Anders is talking about the Wardens failing him at a time when Nathaniel was a Warden. He's talking about Nathaniel failing him. Not specifically, but it's in there. Then there's a flash of irritation.

"Nobody made you stay in Kirkwall so long, Anders. And if I hadn't talked you into coming back, you would still be dodging the Wardens altogether. What did you expect?"

"Really. Nobody. I could have left at any time."

The moment the sarcasm is out he regrets it, and Anders pulls his hand away and crosses his arms defensively.

"I couldn't have left. Justice would never have allowed for it. And if you hadn't talked me into coming back I'd be dead. What was it, one day, two, later that Leliana put the pieces together? The point is..." He sighs yet again. "The point is I know I couldn't have expected to be asked, I know why they didn't, I know why they asked you, and it doesn't change how I feel right now."

The trouble with Anders playing the Justice card is that Nathaniel can never tell when he's serious or just making excuses. Nathaniel's arms cross as well, his hackles raised...all the way up until the last sentence.

There's a long silence as he mulls it over. Anders isn't really upset that Nathaniel got the job. He's afraid he'll never outrun his past. And he's right. Loghain hasn't. Velanna hasn't. Even Nathaniel hasn't. He sighs.

"The past isn't a thing you can leave behind if you run fast enough," he says carefully. "I'm not going to tell you how to feel. But you have every reason to hope in the future, and not just because you have a voice to radical mages going down the wrong path. You have a future as part of the Wardens. Out of the few of us who are true Wardens, you are one of even fewer who have gone through this before. You and Velanna and I, we all saw the Fereldan Wardens come back from fewer than we have here. And it isn't just a matter of seniority. And it isn't just a matter of seniority. You are a uniquely gifted healer, and you helped end the Fifth Blight. You've seen things other healers have never had to deal with in their lives. So you're needed there, at the healing tents, where you can guide the others. You have an important place here, and you shouldn't devalue it, or yourself."

Edited 2016-09-20 20:16 (UTC)

It would be nice to keep sulking. Easy, too, to shrug off what's being said because he's in a bad mood and he doesn't want to feel optimistic or hopeful right now, and not just because of the risks. Anders almost wants to make some passing comment and go off and be alone and mope and gripe at Purrelden about nothing ever turning around... but Nate deserves better and deserves, has even earned the right, to be listened to.

So Anders looks back up with an expression that is more sullen than hopeful still, but he's trying.

"Almost everyone would find matters a great deal easier if I wasn't here, if I had never come. I don't know that I've done anything that makes my presence worth it, yet." He's not saying anything new, and he's not saying anything he hasn't heard said a dozen times at least, either. The only modification is 'almost;' he's insulted Nate enough with his mood and words, he doesn't need to act like he doubts other things his lover's said.

He looks away, and finally uncrosses his arms even though it takes conscious thought.

"Nothing's actually the matter. You'll be good at the task, you're already being good at it, and I'm being complicated." A complication, even. As usual.

"I love you when you're complicated," Nathaniel says lightly, approaching him and moving to put his arms around him. "It's not wrong to be ambitious or passionate. You get complicated because you care so much about so many things, and that's good. And I think I'm good at cheering you up, most of the time. And I like doing that. I like being the one who makes you feel better when it all gets complicated. I like that you're something of a riddle sometimes. It keeps me challenged, and I like riddles."

Now he does melt against Nate, albeit slowly. He doesn't want to be complicated and messy, but it means the world to him that Nate likes cheering him up and likes him for all of it. His arms slip around in return.

"You're the best at cheering me up. No one else even comes close." He takes a breath and lets it out before resting his cheek against Nate's shoulder. "I'm sorry that this riddle is so... prickly. You deserve to be recognized and I'll, I'll get over it."

It's going to take a couple of days, likely, a lot of mental reminders, but he'll get there. He tightens his hold around Nate.

"I love you. I love seeing you when you've something you're passionate about, and you're passionate about this." And him. Anders is lucky every single day that Nate is passionate about him.

Edited 2016-09-20 21:29 (UTC)

"I'm glad you told me how you feel." A kiss on his temple. "You never need to hide how you're feeling."

His cheek rests against that hair, his arms circling him.

"I'd ask even when it's stupid, but..." But he knows he feels a lot of extremes, and winds up feeling his feelings are stupid fairly often.

"I didn't want to take from your satisfaction with my mood. I like when you're happy. I want you to be happy." And he wants to do better than this.

"With you, I am happier than I have ever been." He leans in to steal a kiss. "Never doubt that. This position is nothing compared with what we have."

He smiles faintly after he's kissed, feeling some of the mood go away.

"And I'm happier as well." He's even simply happy, something he'd forgotten the feel of, which makes making Nate happy even more fulfilling. "I'll be the best riddle I can."

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