Anders (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
justice_is_blond) wrote2016-01-15 11:45 am
justice_is_blond) wrote2016-01-15 11:45 am
Inbox for Fade Rift
[Please leave a message after the beep that doesn't actually exist.]
He blinks.
"What's weird about a kiss? You likely felt relieved, he's around your age and pretty enough, if pouty, though there's a risk he's not talking about helping us go to Tevinter as equals. I've kissed people for far less." Heck, he's kissed people simply to kiss them. Young people these days, getting so worked up about kissing.
"What's weird about a kiss? You likely felt relieved, he's around your age and pretty enough, if pouty, though there's a risk he's not talking about helping us go to Tevinter as equals. I've kissed people for far less." Heck, he's kissed people simply to kiss them. Young people these days, getting so worked up about kissing.
Edited 2019-05-07 02:35 (UTC)
"Oh." So it seems like there might have been some sort of miscommunication. Anders puts the two cups out and pulls out the sugar cubes, setting them on the table too. Pawdric takes a little interest, sitting up, ears twitching.
"Have a seat. You've never expressed interest to him before, then, I take it? Spur of the moment sort of kiss?"
"Have a seat. You've never expressed interest to him before, then, I take it? Spur of the moment sort of kiss?"
"Completely spur of the moment." Is that wrong? Nobody had any manner of conversation with Colin about the intricacies of sexuality, nor has he had opportunity to learn through trial and error, so to speak. "I wasn't even thinking. I wanted to do it, and it happened that same second."
"All right." It wasn't like he'd had any sort of help the first time he'd kissed someone either. He'd read the secret books passed around, seen some mages snogging in the corner, and then just gone for it himself. Colin's a late bloomer, but Anders really can't fault him considering what he's been through.
"What happened after?"
"What happened after?"
"I know it's easier to find members of the opposite sex. But that's not what makes you happy, Dwell on that - what you want - rather than the easy path." Because otherwise she'll be miserable.
"A path to take, and I can't say it's the best one, but it's the one that comes to mind, would be first to narrow down what sort of woman you're attracted to. Ones who can lift you over their head? Ones who you can fling over your shoulder? Long hair? Dark hair? Once you've a rough idea of that, go to a pub you find reputable enough and look around. Find some like that, find ones who aren't flirting with the men. Or maybe there's someone closer, someone in your friends group already who you find you like and you don't want to say as much to because admitting is rather intimidating." Not like it's stopped him, but other things have been intimidating enough to stop him so he understands. "You would like a relationship. Obviously. Else you'd not be sitting on my lap dodging around the topic. So let's find you one."
"A path to take, and I can't say it's the best one, but it's the one that comes to mind, would be first to narrow down what sort of woman you're attracted to. Ones who can lift you over their head? Ones who you can fling over your shoulder? Long hair? Dark hair? Once you've a rough idea of that, go to a pub you find reputable enough and look around. Find some like that, find ones who aren't flirting with the men. Or maybe there's someone closer, someone in your friends group already who you find you like and you don't want to say as much to because admitting is rather intimidating." Not like it's stopped him, but other things have been intimidating enough to stop him so he understands. "You would like a relationship. Obviously. Else you'd not be sitting on my lap dodging around the topic. So let's find you one."
"The good news is that that's very far from the worst that could happen." Anders leans back, relaxing in his chair and getting a lap full of Pawdric as soon as he does.
"Are you interested in him?"
"Are you interested in him?"
That makes things both simpler and more complicated, but at least it's Benedict. He's fairly certain he's heard the mage is the heir, so he won't be trying something longer-term with a man.
"It doesn't have to stay weird. If you decide you want to try for a little... else, with him," Maker, why is this weird? This feels weird, "then the next time you see him, tell him you were sorry you rushed things. That you'd like to try another kiss if he does. It's not going to be easy, your face may feel like it's trying to burn off, but that's the price of going about things the adult way. If you decide against, I'd suggest just acting like it didn't happen and that everything is fine the next time you see him. Soon enough the acting will become reality."
"It doesn't have to stay weird. If you decide you want to try for a little... else, with him," Maker, why is this weird? This feels weird, "then the next time you see him, tell him you were sorry you rushed things. That you'd like to try another kiss if he does. It's not going to be easy, your face may feel like it's trying to burn off, but that's the price of going about things the adult way. If you decide against, I'd suggest just acting like it didn't happen and that everything is fine the next time you see him. Soon enough the acting will become reality."
"Pretending it didn't happen," Colin chooses quickly. "It's the proper coward's way, and I strive to be a very proper coward." A small shrug. "If he was going to want things back, or if he does in the future, he can say as much. Anyway, last time I tried to sleep with anyone, I wound up crying uncontrollably in her arms and it killed the mood, so."
Anders shakes his head.
"You're not a coward. If you want something, you should try for it. You've no idea how many times I hit on Nate before he finally broke and surrendered. Maker, I had to enlist a master of seduction for that."
It hadn't been deliberate, Zevran had decided to help of his own volition, but close enough.
"Take small steps, one at a time. You can't recover from a burn in a day, or with one salve. Why would this be healed over instantly? A kiss yesterday, a talk tomorrow, and then see where it goes. Live, Colin."
"You're not a coward. If you want something, you should try for it. You've no idea how many times I hit on Nate before he finally broke and surrendered. Maker, I had to enlist a master of seduction for that."
It hadn't been deliberate, Zevran had decided to help of his own volition, but close enough.
"Take small steps, one at a time. You can't recover from a burn in a day, or with one salve. Why would this be healed over instantly? A kiss yesterday, a talk tomorrow, and then see where it goes. Live, Colin."
Some of the air goes out of him. Anders is right. He can't live his entire life in limbo, no matter how he has tried. There are no easy answers, no surefire formula to avoid humiliation, heartbreak, or further trauma. He swallows.
"I don't know what to do if I start...seeing things that happened before. Has that ever happened to you?"
"I don't know what to do if I start...seeing things that happened before. Has that ever happened to you?"
"Yes." His voice is quiet. "When your chest goes tight, you can't breathe, and everything is encompassed by those moments again. Considering what it is you're haunted by, I'd be open with anyone that it looks like you might wind up bedding. You don't have to tell them everything, but let them know that you've been hurt, and you might get inside your head for a time, that it's not them. If they can't accept that, then they're not worth your time in the long run."
Which is easier to say than deal with, he knows. But that's life, especially for mages.
Which is easier to say than deal with, he knows. But that's life, especially for mages.
"But I still have to go through it," Colin says quietly. "It brought everything back, almost as if it had just happened again."
He lets out a breath and shakes his head.
"No, you're right. I can't live life halfway. It's been nigh-on a year since last time I tried this. Maybe at least I can hope for shorter and shorter recovery times. I'll never know if I don't work at it. But you really think Benedict would understand that explanation? It wouldn't ruin everything, make him think...?"
He lets out a breath and shakes his head.
"No, you're right. I can't live life halfway. It's been nigh-on a year since last time I tried this. Maybe at least I can hope for shorter and shorter recovery times. I'll never know if I don't work at it. But you really think Benedict would understand that explanation? It wouldn't ruin everything, make him think...?"
"I don't know that Benedict will, to be honest." He wishes he had a better answer, but Colin needs the truth. "He's not got the strongest of constitutions. It might be too much for him. But he also may surprise me and turn out to have greater spine than he thought. You don't owe him the chance to see, but you do owe you the chance if your interest lies there."
The Tevinter mage is spoiled, petulant, and stubborn... but he's also shown some growth in the time Anders has known him. He could prove a better man than Anders has so far figured him to be.
The Tevinter mage is spoiled, petulant, and stubborn... but he's also shown some growth in the time Anders has known him. He could prove a better man than Anders has so far figured him to be.
Colin hesitates, then chews his lower lip.
"You're right. You're right. But then how long till I want these things with someone else? I mean there's him, there's maybe someone else, who I might feel other things for as well. But before that, it had been nigh-on a year since I wanted anything with anyone. Before that... Look, I'm broken, is what it really comes down to. Like it or not, I'm not going to function like a normal person. I'll want to explore these things, but I have to want it enough to, um, to act against the part of me that's scared that what happened before will happen again."
"You're right. You're right. But then how long till I want these things with someone else? I mean there's him, there's maybe someone else, who I might feel other things for as well. But before that, it had been nigh-on a year since I wanted anything with anyone. Before that... Look, I'm broken, is what it really comes down to. Like it or not, I'm not going to function like a normal person. I'll want to explore these things, but I have to want it enough to, um, to act against the part of me that's scared that what happened before will happen again."
"Yes." The answer to all of that is acknowledgment. "You're wounded in a way that will never entirely heal. It can get better, it could even for a time seem completely gone, but it will always be there and that is your life now."
There's no sugar-coating it. "Every mage is a little broken from being held captive and taught there should be bars around them. But many are far more broken from what happened while surrounded by those bars. I... I've difficulty with the dark and enclosed spaces and being alone, things that a Warden especially is expected to deal with. I survived my time in solitary," and he's quite certain every Kinloch Hold mage knows about that, "but I didn't walk away from it whole. And that will be a part of my life for forever."
"It's easier to handle with someone." His gaze flickers very briefly to where Purrelden has rolled on to her back, putting her tummy on display, but then he's looking back at Colin as if the glance hadn't happened. "Luckily, you've people around who care. When you feel you need someone, call on me. I'll be here."
There's no sugar-coating it. "Every mage is a little broken from being held captive and taught there should be bars around them. But many are far more broken from what happened while surrounded by those bars. I... I've difficulty with the dark and enclosed spaces and being alone, things that a Warden especially is expected to deal with. I survived my time in solitary," and he's quite certain every Kinloch Hold mage knows about that, "but I didn't walk away from it whole. And that will be a part of my life for forever."
"It's easier to handle with someone." His gaze flickers very briefly to where Purrelden has rolled on to her back, putting her tummy on display, but then he's looking back at Colin as if the glance hadn't happened. "Luckily, you've people around who care. When you feel you need someone, call on me. I'll be here."
A slight nod. Colin's gaze is at once distant and focused, as if whatever he's looking at is in a specific point in the past. A faint gesture with one hand.
"Trying to kill myself had a lot more to do with all of that than with anything that's going on now. I've been on the brink of it for years and years. And people like you and Lexie keep reaching out, and I keep thinking I have to handle everything on my own. Because that's how it was in the old days, when no one would protect me but me. Then I...I was telling Lexie, that when I went into that dark place in my head, you and she followed me in. I didn't know people did that before. Now I do. I know I can just come to you. And I will, from here on."
"Trying to kill myself had a lot more to do with all of that than with anything that's going on now. I've been on the brink of it for years and years. And people like you and Lexie keep reaching out, and I keep thinking I have to handle everything on my own. Because that's how it was in the old days, when no one would protect me but me. Then I...I was telling Lexie, that when I went into that dark place in my head, you and she followed me in. I didn't know people did that before. Now I do. I know I can just come to you. And I will, from here on."
He nods as well. It makes sense.
"I understand. And there are some things that have to be handled alone, but this isn't one of them. This is when friends can and want to help. So let us." Anders nods toward the cup in front of Colin. "And drink our tea, so we don't start wondering if we're lousy at making tea."
"I understand. And there are some things that have to be handled alone, but this isn't one of them. This is when friends can and want to help. So let us." Anders nods toward the cup in front of Colin. "And drink our tea, so we don't start wondering if we're lousy at making tea."
"A relationship."
The very idea has her nose wrinkling, but she doesn't protest any more than that. Instead, she breathes out gently and leans against him. There's a reason she had come to him, a reason why she had fallen into his lap and demanded his attention; he knew how to get to the heart of the matter, to poke through her bravado and flippancy to get to what she really wanted to say. She trusted him to do that.
"Strong," she admits quietly. "Stronger than I am. Smart enough to be entertaining. I don't much care about their hair." She sighs softly. "You make it sound terribly easy."
The very idea has her nose wrinkling, but she doesn't protest any more than that. Instead, she breathes out gently and leans against him. There's a reason she had come to him, a reason why she had fallen into his lap and demanded his attention; he knew how to get to the heart of the matter, to poke through her bravado and flippancy to get to what she really wanted to say. She trusted him to do that.
"Strong," she admits quietly. "Stronger than I am. Smart enough to be entertaining. I don't much care about their hair." She sighs softly. "You make it sound terribly easy."
As people are filing out, Colin pulls Anders aside to ask quietly, "Got a problem with one of the other two?"
It's not judgmental, just concerned. Either something happened with Lexie the night of the poisoning, or Anders heard Byerly's crystal tirade.
It's not judgmental, just concerned. Either something happened with Lexie the night of the poisoning, or Anders heard Byerly's crystal tirade.
He's quiet for a moment, gaze lingering on the doorway, before he looks at Colin.
"Let's see what my options are. There's the one who mocks mage suffering loudly and openly, and there's the one in an abusive relationship who seems enamored of it anyway." Anders shakes his head. "I'm not going to let either interfere in this, this is far more important, but neither person is exactly who I'd go to for an alliance if I was choosing."
"Let's see what my options are. There's the one who mocks mage suffering loudly and openly, and there's the one in an abusive relationship who seems enamored of it anyway." Anders shakes his head. "I'm not going to let either interfere in this, this is far more important, but neither person is exactly who I'd go to for an alliance if I was choosing."
Colin's brows go up at the second one. This is the first he has heard of Lexie in an abusive relationship. To the first one, he waves his hand dismissively.
"Byerly was picking fights out of boredom. He doesn't believe any of that."
The truth of the matter is somewhat more complex, though. Byerly is a spy. He plays a character, causes people to expect certain things of him so they don't suspect him to act in other ways. Of course Colin can't say that. They'll circle back to Lexie in a bit.
"Byerly was picking fights out of boredom. He doesn't believe any of that."
The truth of the matter is somewhat more complex, though. Byerly is a spy. He plays a character, causes people to expect certain things of him so they don't suspect him to act in other ways. Of course Colin can't say that. They'll circle back to Lexie in a bit.
Page 60 of 64