Anders (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
justice_is_blond) wrote2016-01-15 11:45 am
justice_is_blond) wrote2016-01-15 11:45 am
Inbox for Fade Rift
[Please leave a message after the beep that doesn't actually exist.]
Anders stands with Alan, nodding.
"Let me know if you need anything else. I'm often available on the crystals or in the healing tents."
And hopefully he helped here.
"Let me know if you need anything else. I'm often available on the crystals or in the healing tents."
And hopefully he helped here.
"If he saved his barbs for when we speak privately," Nathaniel answers with a sigh. "And I know I do it too, and it hasn't helped. I think he and I should have a conversation about at least appearing united in front of the other Wardens, and in front of our Inquisition allies. We've both been rather cavalier about that."
He pulls away enough to rest his hands on Anders' waist, his gaze falling away.
"And I didn't...realize how much I've still been comparing myself to people. Competing like Thomas and I used to do. I almost said his name, earlier."
He pulls away enough to rest his hands on Anders' waist, his gaze falling away.
"And I didn't...realize how much I've still been comparing myself to people. Competing like Thomas and I used to do. I almost said his name, earlier."
Edited 2017-04-13 13:14 (UTC)
He doesn't think that request will go over well, but it gets noted anyway. Anything that could help was going into the mental backburner, because he can't stand by and not do anything. Nate's been there for him. He's not about to not be there for Nate.
"It's hard, sometimes, to not compare. When Vivienne was here, I was constantly watching her, trying to find out what she was doing so I could undermine her as she was seeking to undermine me. But these are, ostensibly, your allies. Alistair and Teren want the same end goal as you, the end of Corypheus. They're not your competition. They're simply... different people from you. Which is good, because I don't think I could keep up with three of you."
"It's hard, sometimes, to not compare. When Vivienne was here, I was constantly watching her, trying to find out what she was doing so I could undermine her as she was seeking to undermine me. But these are, ostensibly, your allies. Alistair and Teren want the same end goal as you, the end of Corypheus. They're not your competition. They're simply... different people from you. Which is good, because I don't think I could keep up with three of you."
"If it's not a competition, why am I always losing?" Nathaniel mutters. But things feel smaller as he speaks about it, and he draws Anders into his arms again. "You're going to be the reason I get through this sane, love."
Edited 2017-04-14 01:56 (UTC)
"Oh, my love." He kisses Nate's cheek before pulling his husband close.
"The straight man is never the one everyone flocks to. It's always the clown, because the person who makes them laugh can make them forget the harsh reality in front of them. You're important and you're needed but you're not going to be as popular as Alistair, Nate. Please don't look at the way people respond to him as feedback about you. It's not fair to you, and you happen to have someone right here who thinks you're amazing as you are and wouldn't change you."
"The straight man is never the one everyone flocks to. It's always the clown, because the person who makes them laugh can make them forget the harsh reality in front of them. You're important and you're needed but you're not going to be as popular as Alistair, Nate. Please don't look at the way people respond to him as feedback about you. It's not fair to you, and you happen to have someone right here who thinks you're amazing as you are and wouldn't change you."
"I don't care about being popular so long as my orders are being followed and people aren't showing me up just to prove my authority is imaginary--all authority is imaginary, but it's still needed." He rests his cheek on Anders' hair again. "And you already follow all my orders," he adds in a lighter tone.
"I enjoy many of your orders," he says teasingly, reaching down to give Nate's ass a pat. His voice gets serious again as he continues, though. "It's just Teren who doesn't follow them, right? You and her were equals when you... didn't quite ask her to step down. She's probably still upset by that. Leave her be as much as possible. No one enjoys consequences to their actions, and the entire mission was a mess for her. She's likely going to hold a grudge for a while yet, and fighting her on that will only give satisfaction to her, not to you."
He takes a breath. "Don't fight the battles you don't have to. This is one to let go." He's aware of his hypocrisy. Anders has rarely seen a battle he didn't take on, but Nate's different.
He takes a breath. "Don't fight the battles you don't have to. This is one to let go." He's aware of his hypocrisy. Anders has rarely seen a battle he didn't take on, but Nate's different.
"I didn't--" Nathaniel breaks away enough to look at Anders again. "I didn't fight this one. It began with a crate of her work dropped on my doorstep. And what happens when she starts letting the others know I can be pushed around? They already know insubordination means nothing, what happens when they think they don't have to follow my orders if their feelings are too hurt? I'm not interested in whether Teren holds a grudge, or whether it upset her, she did something so completely out of line, so inexcusable--we can't afford abuse of power in our ranks, no matter how much injured pride she has. She doesn't get to wield that power to her advantage at the expense of those under her command and then decide my orders can't be followed."
He reaches up, gently brushing Nate's hair back, listening and making sure he's hearing everything that's being said. Teren's sinking a little in his opinion with this - she'd clearly laid a trap for Nate and Anders doesn't approve of that.
"The spider invited you into her parlor on terms she set, waited for you to come in, and was prepared. Alistair has a good rapport with her. If she tries to do something again, give it to Alistair. It's not easy to not engage. I know it's not. Especially when someone who knows better isn't showing it. But don't engage, please."
Maybe engage is the word that will be more clear than fighting. Anders isn't too attached to the wording, just the man he's speaking with.
"The spider invited you into her parlor on terms she set, waited for you to come in, and was prepared. Alistair has a good rapport with her. If she tries to do something again, give it to Alistair. It's not easy to not engage. I know it's not. Especially when someone who knows better isn't showing it. But don't engage, please."
Maybe engage is the word that will be more clear than fighting. Anders isn't too attached to the wording, just the man he's speaking with.
Right. Right, it's not required that he be the one Teren listens to. Alistair hasn't countermanded him yet, another reason it's important they start presenting a unified front. He sighs softly, letting pressure go out of him with the air, and offers an apologetic grimace.
"Of course. You're right. I'm tired. I'm ready for things to finally settle back into a routine."
"Of course. You're right. I'm tired. I'm ready for things to finally settle back into a routine."
He chuckles quietly.
"Kirkwall and routine rarely seem to go hand-in-hand. But I understand, love." Anders waggles his eyebrows at Nate. "Would you like to give me some orders? I'll follow eagerly. Or we can get some rest; I've some reading to get through and we can curl up with that together."
"Kirkwall and routine rarely seem to go hand-in-hand. But I understand, love." Anders waggles his eyebrows at Nate. "Would you like to give me some orders? I'll follow eagerly. Or we can get some rest; I've some reading to get through and we can curl up with that together."
He takes Nate's hand and leads him over to the bed before grabbing a book and joining him.
"It's a treatise on alternative uses of herbs found in the Fereldan. There's apparently a flower that can cure mabari of the Blight, but I've only got a description, not the name itself. I'm reading through in hopes of finding it."
He opens the book and turns to the feather he'd left as a mark and starts reading, comfortable against Nate.
"It's a treatise on alternative uses of herbs found in the Fereldan. There's apparently a flower that can cure mabari of the Blight, but I've only got a description, not the name itself. I'm reading through in hopes of finding it."
He opens the book and turns to the feather he'd left as a mark and starts reading, comfortable against Nate.
[For once, James doesn't sound grudging. He doesn't sound tired. He sounds anguished. Agitated.]
Anders - before I go - I wanted to say that I am sorry. Truly sorry, for all the things you have suffered at a Templar's hand. I am sorry for what you witnessed, what you had to endure, what you had to see. I am sorry for our ignorance, our blindness, and the bloodshed that came from it. All the - all the innocent people who died at our hands....
[Hold it together, Norrington. His tone is a little stronger now.]
By following orders, we have committed the gravest of sins. My own sins were recently brought to light by Sam and -- I cannot bear the guilt of them. So I am going to go confess to the Seekers. I do not expect - I expect nothing from you. Not even an acceptance of this. Just know that I am - I will - honor their deaths with whatever punishment the Seekers see fit.
Anders - before I go - I wanted to say that I am sorry. Truly sorry, for all the things you have suffered at a Templar's hand. I am sorry for what you witnessed, what you had to endure, what you had to see. I am sorry for our ignorance, our blindness, and the bloodshed that came from it. All the - all the innocent people who died at our hands....
[Hold it together, Norrington. His tone is a little stronger now.]
By following orders, we have committed the gravest of sins. My own sins were recently brought to light by Sam and -- I cannot bear the guilt of them. So I am going to go confess to the Seekers. I do not expect - I expect nothing from you. Not even an acceptance of this. Just know that I am - I will - honor their deaths with whatever punishment the Seekers see fit.
[He has to listen to this a few times to process it. When he responds, his voice is quiet and calm.]
By following orders you were blind. And now you seek more orders? You're thinking now. You're seeing. I don't believe any of the Seekers see. They knew what was going on in Kirkwall, for instance, and chose to do nothing for years. I know they know, because I wrote to them.
Have you considered making amends to the people who were harmed? Working to ensure that the Circles do not reform in the same image, that mages can stay free with some training?
By following orders you were blind. And now you seek more orders? You're thinking now. You're seeing. I don't believe any of the Seekers see. They knew what was going on in Kirkwall, for instance, and chose to do nothing for years. I know they know, because I wrote to them.
Have you considered making amends to the people who were harmed? Working to ensure that the Circles do not reform in the same image, that mages can stay free with some training?
[The answer he gets back is - okay it is less anguished now and more ... short.]
Hold on, Anders.
[Moment of silence.]
Right, sorry, I am fighting with my partner. She told me that trying to make amends to the living would just hurt them worse and that I should just ... suck it up.
[This is absolutely aggravating.]
And outside of tearing down the entire Chantry on my own - I am not entirely certain how I am meant to make these new Circles.
...I could start my own Circle I suppose. Get some chantry mothers who see what we need to do. Insist we no longer do Harrowings, etc, etc.
Hold on, Anders.
[Moment of silence.]
Right, sorry, I am fighting with my partner. She told me that trying to make amends to the living would just hurt them worse and that I should just ... suck it up.
[This is absolutely aggravating.]
And outside of tearing down the entire Chantry on my own - I am not entirely certain how I am meant to make these new Circles.
...I could start my own Circle I suppose. Get some chantry mothers who see what we need to do. Insist we no longer do Harrowings, etc, etc.
[For once, Anders refrains from taking the easy shot at a templar.]
Join my efforts to build a school. No harrowing, no beatings, no abuse, no cages, for mages and the common people both. You are someone other Templars look to and respect. Some could follow your lead where they'd never follow mine. Build with me. Where we've destroyed, we can repair. There can be a better future, James.
Join my efforts to build a school. No harrowing, no beatings, no abuse, no cages, for mages and the common people both. You are someone other Templars look to and respect. Some could follow your lead where they'd never follow mine. Build with me. Where we've destroyed, we can repair. There can be a better future, James.
Edited 2017-04-25 20:32 (UTC)
[Honestly, Anders, if you don't recognize rambling just for the sake of making words come out while you try to reorganize your world ... you've forgotten hanging out with Varric.]
...[Huff.] Why would you ever want to work with anyone like me?
...[Huff.] Why would you ever want to work with anyone like me?
Why would I work with someone who can open their eyes, who commands far more respect than I've ever been able to?
[His voice is wry.]
I've an impossible task ahead of me, but every portion has been impossible. Mages are free at this moment but it might not stay. You're worth far more to the mages than to the Seekers.
[His voice is wry.]
I've an impossible task ahead of me, but every portion has been impossible. Mages are free at this moment but it might not stay. You're worth far more to the mages than to the Seekers.
[...A long sigh.]
I want to argue with you, but I know that is the guilt talking.
[Quiet for a moment.]
I don't think anything will ever clear my soul. But at least, in this, I can do something right.
I want to argue with you, but I know that is the guilt talking.
[Quiet for a moment.]
I don't think anything will ever clear my soul. But at least, in this, I can do something right.
And now we've an understanding.
[Not one he'd expected to reach with a Templar. Thrask had changed for the good, but not due to realizing he was a problem. It had been having a daughter that changed him, which had also begged the question, forever unanswered, of how much consent the mother had been able to give.]
There is no bringing back those we've murdered. There is only making the world better so it does not happen again.
[Not one he'd expected to reach with a Templar. Thrask had changed for the good, but not due to realizing he was a problem. It had been having a daughter that changed him, which had also begged the question, forever unanswered, of how much consent the mother had been able to give.]
There is no bringing back those we've murdered. There is only making the world better so it does not happen again.
[Make it better, so it doesn't happen again. Anders understood more clearly than he realized - and for the first time - James understood that Anders did regret. He just didn't keep himself there.]
Quite.
[There is a moment of silence.]
... how will you raise money, for your school?
Quite.
[There is a moment of silence.]
... how will you raise money, for your school?
[He's glad Norrington doesn't dwell. It's not an easy topic for anyone to delve into, and while they now understand each other some, Anders doesn't feel like spilling his heart to the man.]
I've... some connections. The Templars found and killed most of my network prior to the end of matters in Kirkwall, but not everyone is gone. There are some mages I helped get out, some others that I'd healed who felt grateful. I'm putting the network back together again, though it's a slower process this time.
I'm also planning on making and selling extra potions, and I'm open to other suggestions. Ink and parchment are not the most inexpensive of things.
I've... some connections. The Templars found and killed most of my network prior to the end of matters in Kirkwall, but not everyone is gone. There are some mages I helped get out, some others that I'd healed who felt grateful. I'm putting the network back together again, though it's a slower process this time.
I'm also planning on making and selling extra potions, and I'm open to other suggestions. Ink and parchment are not the most inexpensive of things.
[There is a moment of thoughtful silence, before there is a nod.]
I might know some people who can help -- and beyond that ... I know of a way to fund this school. All are welcome, yes? Human, elf, dwarf, qunari?
I might know some people who can help -- and beyond that ... I know of a way to fund this school. All are welcome, yes? Human, elf, dwarf, qunari?
[Funding and someone people would see as legitimate, both in one day? If Anders was the praying sort, he'd say there might be an answer to prayers here. But he's not, so he won't.]
All, yes. Anyone who wishes to learn will not be turned away, so long as they don't attack or harm other students.
All, yes. Anyone who wishes to learn will not be turned away, so long as they don't attack or harm other students.
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